Time for another break from the Chapter breakdown. Again, the people I’ve met since starting my writing career have helped me tremendously. I love research and research from people who have lived what I’m writing are invaluable. So, again, I asked a friend who know the lifestyle to answer a few questions.
My second guest is Rebecca Brennan, a good friend of mine who also has background in the D/s culture.
I’m published under two names — Rebecca Hart (Fantasy, Mainstream romance) and R. Brennan (erotic Romance)
Yes, I also write erotica/erotic romance. I don’t make excuses or try to hide it. I like what I do and I’m pretty good at it, too. The reason I have a pen name for my erotic works has nothing to do with hiding who I really am. That wouldn’t be me. I use one because I write stories in a wide array of genres, and I don’t ever want someone buying my erotica accidentally because they read one of my “mainstream” offerings written under the same name.
I’m a pretty open minded individual and my authorial tastes as far as erotica is concerned lean toward BDSM and Dom/sub stories. I like my men hot and dangerous and tend to write them that way as well. *winks* However, every so often I wander into the realms of romantic HEA erotica.
How were you introduced to the lifestyle?
I actually stumbled into a Gorean web chat room while trying to find someplace I could observe people having “cybersex” as a means of doing research on writing sex scenes. Believe it or not, that is how I first learned there was such a thing as “alternative lifestyles”.
Is being a dominant/submissive a 24/7 relationship or is it reserved for special time together?
Each relationship is as different as the individuals in it. For myself, the D/s in our relationship is reserved to the bedroom. That being said, I am a “pleaser” type person, so my submissive nature is somewhat inherent to that.
Is sex always involved in the relationship?
Not always. Actually, some of the most submissive tasks are completely non sexual. Subservience and sex don’t have to go hand in hand.
Does disobeying a Dom lead to a punishment that is pain related or is it more of a deprivation of sorts?
It depends on the Dom and the submissive. Punishment is tailored, or should be, to the individual. For example, you can’t spank a submissive who enjoys pain as a means of punishment. If they enjoy it, how is that punishment. But on the flip side, if a sub enjoys humiliation, a punishment by means of deprivation or humiliating them in some way, isn’t a suitable punishment.
Do you find this dynamic debasing or is it meant to be that way?
It can be debasing, but then that is kinda the point. It wouldn’t be a punishment if it were enjoyable.
Is there any level of jealousy if you have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex?
Not in my relationship, but I am sure there are some relationships that aren’t healthy enough to withstand even platonic friendships. I find this can be especially true if the friendships are with others in the “lifestyle”.
I’ve always thought, though there are clear dom/sub roles, that the experience is a mutual one. Meaning, bother parties are equally satisfied no matter the type of play involved. Is this true?
It should be true. In a perfect world, each partner would get equal satisfaction from the relationship and D/s dynamics. Part of finding the right Dom or sub is finding someone who enjoys the same types of activities and has the same relationship goals as you do.
Also, from my research, there is after care for a sub from the dom. The heightened stimulation—both non-sexual and sexual—has the potential to be overwhelming, especially with new experiences shared. Each person respects the limits of the other. Trust is a very important part to scenes.
Absolutely. Aftercare is essential – especially when participating in some of the more “intense” activities.
Contracts-oh you know I had to go here. Are they the norm or an anomaly?
I think there is always a sort of verbal contract in a D/s relationship. There has to be some level of basic understanding of what is expected and how the relationship should move forward. I know some couples that have formalized that process into an actual written contract with a set term, but the majority of those I know in the lifestyle do not have a formal agreement on paper anywhere.
I want to thank Rebecca for taking the time to open up. This brings such a fresh perspective to the BDSM lifestyle and shows how different they can be.