I’ve taken a break from the Chapter breakdown for a special treat. I’ve been fortunate since starting getting serious in my writing career to meet people from around the world. With that, I can draw from their experience for research. So I wanted to ask some friends who are into the lifestyle to answer a few questions.
First up is Doris O’Connor, a delightful erotic romance writer and also a sub.
She likes to spin sensual, sassy, and sexy tales involving alpha heroes to die for, and heroines who give as good as they get. From contemporary to paranormal, BDSM to F/F, and Ménage, haunting love stories are guaranteed.
How were you introduced to the lifestyle?
Personally, through reading Erotic Romance. I couldn’t quite believe how much it resonated with something deep inside of me. It led to a frank discussion with my husband, and he was like, “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been meaning to introduce some kink, but I thought you’d never go for it…”
Like I said it was a very frank, and eye opening discussion. We had been married twenty years by then, and our sex lives had very much stagnated. We both knew something was missing, just not what until that discussion.
Is being a dominant/submissive a 24/7 relationship or is it reserved for special time together?
It started off as being reserved only for the bedroom, but it’s is slowly creeping into other areas of our lives. I have been hubby’s/Sir’s collared submissive for two years now, and you could say that his permanent collar has become as important, as our wedding rings.
I would feel naked without either of them. We can’t be fully 24/7 as we have small children at home still, but he has always been the dominant party in our relationship. It’s what attracted me to him in the first place, and he always has last say in things. Doesn’t mean I don’t argue my case, of course. I can be as stubborn as the next person, and I’m def a bratty sub. Fortunately he rather likes that about me, and I always know when I have overstepped the mark, because he gets that look, and boy, do I behave then 😉
Is sex always involved in the relationship?
For us it is because we’re married, and both find the D/s dynamic incredibly sexy. Nothing gets me in the mood faster than hubby switching to Sir mode. It can be as simple as that look, a raised eyebrow, a drop in voice, or even just the way he holds himself.
Generally speaking, in the lifestyle, it doesn’t have to be about the sex. There are D/s relationships without sex, and a myriad of things in between, and that’s fine. There is no one true way to live this lifestyle and every dynamic will be different.
As long as everyone is a consulting adult and getting what they need out of the relationship, then everything is a-ok.
Does disobeying a Dom lead to a punishment that is pain related or is it more of a deprivation of sorts?
It depends on your dynamic. I’m a bit of a masochist, so pain isn’t punishment to me. At least not the amount Sir is willing to dish out. The worst thing he can and does do is ignore me, or stop talking. Distancing himself is hell to me, so that would be punishment.
He would say a good Dom does not have to rely on punishments, and would nip that sort of behavior in the bud, before it would escalate to needing to be punished.
Now, ‘funishments’ as we call them are a different matter. Sir is a sadist, so he is as likely to ‘torture’ me with pleasure than anything else.
Orgasm torture is just that—torture.
Do you find this dynamic debasing or is it meant to be that way?
If I found it debasing, I wouldn’t be doing it. J It’s sexy as hell, and incredibly freeing to give yourself over to your Sir.
I should stress here we’re not into humiliation. That’s a hard limit for both of us.
Nothing wrong with it if that is your kink, it’s just not ours. Neither is age, pony, needle, or water play to name but a few.
Is there any level of jealousy if you have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex?
God, yes. Sir is incredibly possessive. He always has been, and to be fair I’m a very jealous person by nature.
It has become easier since entering into this dynamic, as we trust each other implicitly. We have a saying. You’re allowed to look, ogle even, but touch and someone will lose a body part 😉
Sir frequently says, “I do NOT share.”
I’ve always thought, though there are clear dom/sub roles, that the experience is a mutual one. Meaning, bother parties are equally satisfied no matter the type of play involved. Is this true?
That’s what it should be like, see my one rule above. If that’s not the case then parties need to re-negotiate. Open, honest communication is the key to making this life style work. Otherwise people will get harmed. Emotionally and physically, which is the last thing anyone wants. We might want to be hurt… the good pain… but being harmed is another matter entirely. That would tip the scales into an abuse scenario.
Also, from my research, there is after care for a sub from the dom. The heightened stimulation—both non-sexual and sexual—has the potential to be overwhelming, especially with new experiences shared. Each person respects the limits of the other. Trust is a very important part to scenes.
Yes, absolutely. After care is ESSENTIAL. Sometimes, all that’s needed is a hug, other times you talk through it, and sometimes sub drop can happen days after a particularly heavy scene.
Sub drop is awful, and you’ll want to do everything to avoid that. Good after care will help to avoid that. There is such a thing as Dom drop too, so after care is as important to the Dominant as it is the submissive.
Doms have limits too, and a good sub will respect those limits and not try and push her Dom out of his/her comfort zone.
If in doubt communicate and use your safe words!
Contracts-oh you know I had to go here. Are they the norm or an anomaly?
Heheh, well, we haven’t got one, and from what I understand they are largely not used in the lifestyle. I can see where they would be useful if you’re in a 24/7 Total Power exchange, Master/slave dynamic, but imo, at least, if you need a contract, then you’re not communicating. I’m not talking about ticking off a list here, by the way. Lists of hard and soft limits can be useful, not least so that you don’t forget to discuss something, when you’re new to each other.
I want to thank Doris for taking the time to open up to her dynamic. I found it sweet and very romantic.