My Internet Penis is Bigger Than Yours

There comes a time and place where’re you have to laugh off the behavior of others. I’m talking about people who use passive aggressive tactics to belittle people because they made fun of their internet penis size.

What is the internet penis? A variety of things, really. For example, your knowledge on a certain subject or tried and true success. You flaunt it and slap it around like a proud parent.

Now imagine that someone pretends to have vast familiarity over a certain topic. They over inflate what they perceive is experience. When they get called on it, they use passive aggressive behavior,  ad hominem attacks, or actually become the dicks of massive proportion to the alleged length of their epeener.

Suffice to say, I am waging a war against those who weave lies and present them as falsehoods. I recently did a piece regarding an indie author bullying another author. I would love to say that peace has been made and the person has admitted their wrong doing.

Butt Hurt Bear SingleNope. Bang goes their imaginary large epeener. Bang goes my head on the desk.

Instead, the person has taken a queue from my post (yeah, you read it, I know) and decided to do a thinly veiled post of anonymity of their own. Except, it isn’t. Why? Because the black and white of it is smack dab there on their blog. I really don’t no what’s worse–their behavior or the toadies following them around with pom poms and no clue.

Have I mentioned the internet is forever? You know, even if you delete something it can still be found? Erasing it from your blog doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and delightful screenshots weren’t taken. Everyone makes mistakes. Your character shows on how you handle them and, dude, your ass is wagging in the wind flatulating.

How about some facts, shall we? You know, facts. Not to be confused with the mad ranting of someone who has delusions of grandeur.

  1. Indie author offers free paperback of self-published 100k+ to bullied author. Expecting a yes to a review even though the bullied author expressed time constraints.
  2. Bullied author gives honest feedback, privately, and offers to help instead of reviewing.
  3. Indie author goes on defamation campaign using personal Facebook page, Twitter, and blog.
  4. This indie author writes a review of bullied author’s book with more than hint of glowering pouty face where they reference one of the pom pom squad’s book AKA plug a supporter gimmick. This review (posted on Goodreads, Amazon, and blog) also contains personal information about the bullied author that is not available anywhere in her author profiles or website.
  5. Indie author writes a blog post stating that bullied author is trying to profit by slandering indie author’s book though evidence (AKA screenshots) prove otherwise. Post disappears.
  6. Bullied author sends requests, privately,  to cease and desist gutterish actions. Uses indie author’s words against them.
  7. Indie author shuts off public access to Facebook page and edits original ‘review’ of bullied author’s book. Still referencing ra-ra club’s book and where the author lives proudly announcing that its on bullied author’s website. The review, as a whole, is later taken down on blog but nowhere else.
  8. Indie author begins to strip all references to his job or place of residence on interwebz.
  9. Indie author removes review on blog but leaves it on Amazon–lowering the original rating twice–and begins vague referencing of bullied author without using her actual name.
  10. Indie author posts again on their blog, claiming falsehoods of the manner of which they were reprimanded for their actions which are a violation of work policies.
  11. Indie authors gives a backhanded apology to bullied author by way of blog post using real name again. Offers insight on how reviews should be conducted.*

On that last starred point? Yeah … because every author out there knows that reviewers only care about characters, setting, plots over grammar issues or gaping plot holes. Maybe in Super Rainbow Unicornland this is the norm.

Keep swinging your invisible gigantic cock but when it comes around to titty slap you, the mirror will show you the truth of who’s fault it is. Meanwhile, your poor behavior is giving indie authors a bad name.




6 responses

    • I spent over twenty years feeling like I was a bird with clipped wings. I’m not going to be that person any more. I’m calling out the douche as I see it. 🙂 I call it cleansing the soul.

  1. Great post and hilarious to boot! Unfortunately, the internet empowers people to poke their unwanted penii nearly everywhere.

    Lesson #1 for any new writer: learn to bite your tongue (fingers). It’s almost a guarantee that your feelings will be hurt no matter how nicely or privately the critiquer serves up the feedback. Accept that that will happen and spend your energy healing and fortifying yourself instead of lashing out at what could be an infinite number of people who just won’t get/like/love/appreciate/worship/praise/gush/highly rate your work and never will no matter what you do or how many books you sell or how many prizes you win. In the immortal words of Elsa, “Let it go…let it go-o…”

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